You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
