Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
