I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
