My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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