Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
