I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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