considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
