he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
