the condom got lost in my hair
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
