a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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