Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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