I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
