I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
