my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
