I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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