i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
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