if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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