I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
How external is "for external use only"?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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