so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
