so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
