Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
