i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
