Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i believe in u and ur pee
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
