Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
