I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
