as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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