I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
