Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ketchup is God's man juice
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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