Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
