last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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