I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
vagina is talking i cant
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
