I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we're making bets on your personal life
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
