i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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