I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
