I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
This baby is an asshole
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
