i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
