he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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