I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
