Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
