then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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