I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Even my vagina gasped.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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