Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
