did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
