somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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