I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
