I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
