one word: firstdatebathroomanal
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
