2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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