we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
third nipple confirmed
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
