It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
