I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
