I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
